Do I move up in my career or focus on conceiving? A question Kate asked herself before both pregnancies. She is mother to four and a half year old Sophie and two and half year old Oliver. Kate was working at Cooperators, a company known for work life balance and their wellness initiative, but still she had to consider this question more than once. Balancing career and conceiving, pregnancy and motherhood can feel impossible at times. The mom/work life balance issue is at the forefront but when talking to Kate the other part of it really came through. What about when you are having trouble getting pregnant and feel distracted at work, or you are so sick and tired in your pregnancy that reaching your deadlines or goals is like walking through quicksand Women don’t just put their careers on hold while they are on maternity leave. It truly starts long before that.
Learning a new job while pregnant wasn’t for Kate. She decided to continue in a role she was comfortable in. It was time to focus on her health. Ultimately during her second pregnancy, she left her position early to take care of herself emotionally and physically. Taking stress leave is more common than we may realize. Many people need to do this and for a variety of reasons just don’t. Kate made the decision to take stress leave even though it was blow to her ego and felt like she was putting life hold. She is a career minded and motivated woman. She is also self aware and knew this is what she and the baby needed most.
After having her first child, Kate experienced a lot of guilt. She hadn’t completely transformed like everyone said she would. Her whole life wasn’t totally changing for this one little person and this made her feel that dragging guilt that can weigh us down. The reality that her parents were living in Abu Dhabi during this tumultuous time was overwhelming. It took a long time to conceive and then she delivered a beautiful baby girl. Although she has a very supportive husband and her mom came to help for the first while after the baby arrived, she still needed time to adjust to this massive life change. We all do. Suddenly women become home bound and in charge of keeping a little human alive 24 hours a day. This is not easy. Actually, that is an understatement. Let me say, once again, becoming a new mom is not easy! Suddenly the exhaustion is palatable, you can’t have a relaxing shower (rinsing all the shampoo is a bonus) and your tea is never hot. Basic luxuries vanish and its survival time. Once you get your head a bit above water; questions like: “Who am I if I am not social Kate?” “What kind of mom am I if I cannot revolve my entire existence around my child?” “Will I ever get my career back on track?”, start to find space in your mind. A spiraling mind sets in. Kate recognized this was no way to continue and got help. Many women do not. I encourage you to reach out for help. Kate mentioned the word stigma a few times. Let’s throw out this idea and focus on our needs without worrying about what others will think. Some of those people could probably use a little help too!
Kate pulled herself out of the fog and found a way to navigate this new phase of life. She didn’t do it alone. A highly involved husband who is content with curbing his career to help Kate achieve her ambitions is one way she is getting through; a loyal mom squad is the other. Kate joined a group of women during her first maternity leave who have seen her through the ups and downs of early motherhood and she has done the same for them. Finding your squad to cheer you on is essential for survival!
Kate’s mom was a preschool teacher and is amazing with getting down on the ground and on the same level as children. This put a lot of pressure on Kate. She isn’t her mom. She isn’t a baby person. (not everyone is). It took some time to find her own identity as a mother. Her home office shifted to a playroom and her identity shifted to becoming not just mom but Kate as a mom. There are all kinds of different mothers out there, many of them exceptional but we all need to find our groove. Kate is determined to remain an individual and be a bad ass mom to boot. From what I can see she is excelling at that, even if it doesn’t always feel like it to her.
After time at home with her children she needed to dive back into her career. Returning to Cooperators was an easy choice as there is a clear value match. Engagement is a huge focus at Cooperators and according to Kate they walk the talk when it comes to wellness at work. She is now in the job she kept considering but postponing and is getting well deserved respect. She can drink a hot tea all the way through! This may feel like success on its own, but she is learning and growing every day and that is the real reward. Having this time to challenge her mind and do something for herself gives her mental energy to be a better mother and wife. Going back was interesting as there were new peers to work with who didn’t know Kate. She felt the need to prove herself all over again. People expected she would be emotional returning to work and leaving her children. Don’t get it wrong; she thinks about her children and responsibilities constantly while at work, but she was more than ready to have the career minded part of herself back.
Kate makes it a priority to spend time with friends and have date nights with her husband even though sometimes it is hard to make it happen. (Kate and her husband actually went on an adult only Vegas vacation!) By focusing on her career and her own needs, she is modeling to her children that they can do whatever they want to do in life. She plans to stay in her professional role until she needs more. When her kids are a bit older, Kate plans to take on more leadership and focus on her own performance. In this moment she is living her truth and the struggle is real, but it is worth it.
Thank you Kate for sharing your journey with Career Pump and me. You are one inspiring lady and I feel motivated after hearing about your experiences.
Stay tuned for our next Career Pump interview with another incredibly interesting woman who just so happens to also be a mother…
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Performing Under Mother Pressure 