“I yell, and he laughs, mornings are the worst.” What mom doesn’t feel that morning struggle when it comes to hustling off to work, school and activities. Hanan and I had many laughs during our conversation about managing the chaos of motherhood and maintaining our individuality.
“I often feel as if I’m wading through quick sand when trying to get to get out the door, let alone getting everyone else to move their buts. What a stressful way to start our day!”
Hanan is mother to ten-year-old Donald and made the decision to leave her position in human resources in the hospitality industry to create more time for her and her son. This change comes with sacrifice to the ego along the way. An inner struggle many of us venture in and out of while navigating our priorities.
When she was 35, she was experiencing health problems and after a negative pregnancy test, she didn’t know what was up. After further testing she discovered that she was in fact pregnant and her doctor considered her high risk due to her age. At the time she was an Assistant Director of Human Resources working 10-12-hour days at a well-known high-end Toronto hotel.
Dressing for the stages of pregnancy while working in an environment where a suit was expected wasn’t easy. Swollen feet, panty hose, and suit jackets, designed for a defined waist not a protruding tummy, felt uncomfortable. After trying to figure it out she thought “oh forget it!” and decided to relax her dress code. This was not well accepted or understood in her work place environment which was awkward. Today there are some better options than there were previously. Maternity dress pants and skirts from affordable brands like H&M, Thyme Maternity and Old Navy are helpful although options for plus size women in the maternity stage of life are very limited there is room for improvement.
Hanan felt lethargic during her maternity leave. Things were continuing to happen, and she was missing out. She hadn’t really been a “home maker” before having Donald so not only was there the adjustment to motherhood but also to domesticity. Joining a mom group helped her get out into the world and see people but she was one of the older moms and felt it. Going for walks and keeping busy helped but overall it was an isolating experience.
Many of her colleagues did not have children and it meant there was a lack of understanding. When she returned to work after having her son, she felt she joined a new club at work with all the other mothers and grandmothers. It was like they felt she now understood struggle and it gave her credibility with them. She was ready to go back to work and needed it; she needed to do something with her brain.
Unfortunately, she did not expect how differently she would be treated because she needed to go down to 9-hour days and had to find ways to accommodate her family. The most understanding leader she worked with was a male colleague who had children. She found the women less supportive. Hanan felt she had to fight for accommodation and was no longer seen as a superstar in the organization. It was like proving herself all over again.
Looking for job opportunities came with a hit to the ego; choices were made with family at the forefront especially after she divorced from her husband; having full custody of their son. This meant pushing the pause button on career advancement and turning down the “cool” positions. Roles with travel weren’t possible. Positions like this are not conducive to the home life she wants to create for her and Donald. Hanan would like to go back to school but that isn’t in the cards right now.
Fortunately, she has always had strong support from her parents and Donald has a close relationship with his grandparents but recently, as homework and pressures at school increase, it is more difficult for them to pick up the slack. She started to feel she was doing a half-ass job on everything and couldn’t keep up. Moving to a new industry with more flexibility and balance but still at the Director level in Human Resources was the route she decided to pursue.
Since taking on this new role she has more time for herself and to connect with her son. Once, during her career in hospitality, she stayed a little later at work to finish one more thing before heading off to Donald’s first Christmas concert. Low and behold she got stuck in traffic on the way and missed her sons show. This was devastating to her and in that moment, she made a vow never to miss the big moments. This meant prioritizing at work and taking on a level of guilt on that side of her life, but it also meant being there for the things that matter most.
Evenings were always a struggle while she worked in HR in the hospitality industry and everything at home felt rushed. She had to rely on tutors and babysitters to help Donald. Working for her new company, outside the hospitality industry, allows her to work from home when needed, be home for homework, spend quality time laughing and joking with her son. She gets good quality time with him instead of just the bedtime prep. Speaking of bedtime prep, her and Donald recently started incorporating calming techniques into their daily routine to unwind and destress at the end of their day. They hired Reena Ruparelia a mindfulness coach from “Let’s Get Mindful” to help them with some tips and tricks to implement into bedtime rituals. This is another way she is finding time to connect with Donald and it has been a positive influence on both of their lives.
As a mom we do a lot of apologizing. It is impossible to be perfect, yet we are always judging ourselves. Hanan taught her son that Mom’s always need hugs. He won’t cuddle anymore but he will always give her a hug. These are the moments that make it all worth it.
Thank you for your insightful wisdom Hanan. Hearing of the choices you made to have a more well-rounded life is very helpful and I hope you have a wonderful 2019!
Story written by Jenn DiRaddo Jefferson of Career Pump
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