“We only have so many units of energy in a day, after kids, work, the to do list and my husband there is little left for myself. But as my kids get older, I am going to carve some time out for myself. In 2019 I’m going to try new things. Perhaps Archery!”
This story is near and dear to my heart because this woman is near and dear to me. Hilary and I have been close friends for over 17 years. We studied together, lived together, partied together, travelled extensively all over the world together and now we are raising our families together. She is one of the strongest people I know and the person I have looked up to and gone to for more motherhood advice than anyone else.
In our circle of friends, she was the pioneer of motherhood. The rest of us really didn’t get it. We were still going with the flow of life, living by the seat of our pants, when she had her first daughter Aubrey. After having my son Everett, I finally got it. You really don’t get it until you go through it. Let me say that again…. you do not get it until you go through it. Sure, we can empathize, imagine and listen. However, we can’t know how it feels deep in a woman’s soul when the monumental shift takes place and the all-encompassing and exhausting loss of our former life and self sets in. It is emotionally beautiful and overwhelming.
I really wish I had been more aware when my friend needed me most. I was “there” but not in the truest sense. Not in the way she needed. None of us were. But Hilary also admits part of this was due to her personality. She keeps a lot inside and powers on. She doesn’t fault any of us for our naivety or lack of true understanding because she knew that until we went through it, we just wouldn’t get it. She never wanted to be the “drain” on the group. I wish so much she had not felt that way and had fully shared what she was going through, although, she is right, I don’t know if we would have truly “got” it.
During our interview I heard the same stories I have heard before but this time I really saw the intense pain my friend endured. The raw pain that you never get over; you just carry with you because you must keep going.
Hilary had a ton of aspiration before having children. She has worked at Sleeman Breweries for her entire career and is a leader and seasoned professional on their sales team. Developing relationships with clients is her strong suit. After kids her perspective and priorities have transformed. She often feels guilty that she is not furthering her career but has no regrets about putting family first. Her girls are her everything. The career aspirations must go on hold for awhile and she is ok with that.
Aubrey was an easy baby but having no peers or family members in the same boat was very isolating. Hilary had no one to ask questions to and friends would often say “bring the baby” when inviting her and her husband Tom to social events. They didn’t get it. Despite the huge life change she loves being a mom and enjoyed bonding with her little girl. Just as she started to feel comfortable, she found out she was pregnant again. Aubrey was only seven months old. Hilary and Tom were in shock and didn’t know how to handle this news. Financially with maternity leaves so close together, emotionally with the guilt of feeling she didn’t have enough time with Aubrey and not to mention physically.
After a lot of panic and emotion her mom altered her perspective by pointing out that many people have children close together and it would all work out. As she started to accept that this as meant to be for her family, she attended an ultrasound appointment. Being her second pregnancy, she knew what to expect and so when the technician brought in a second person and then wouldn’t show the screen, her heart sunk. She knew something wasn’t right. Hilary went home, got into bed and waited for the call she knew would come. An hour later the phone rang; she was informed that her baby did not have a heartbeat.
At first, she convinced herself they were wrong. She was just over eleven weeks pregnant and about to announce it to the world. She was still feeling sick, so they had to be wrong. She waited a week before deciding but her bloods tests continued to indicate that the baby was not growing and thriving. Her baby had died inside her but had not left her body.
She had the choice of taking a pill to contract her uterus and finish the miscarriage process or have a D&C (a procedure where the cervix is dilated so the lining of the uterus can be removed by scraping or suction). Both horrific options to choose from. She chose to take the pill. What came next was a lot of bleeding and pain that led to her hemorrhaging, passing out and being brought by ambulance to the hospital where she was stabilized and then moved to surgery. She ended up having the D&C procedure after all. While in and out of consciousness, she remembers feeling cold and scared she might die.
This procedure wasn’t new to her. A few weeks after Aubrey was born, she discovered she had a retained placenta and had to have a D&C to remove it. So, two D&C’s in nine months. The doctor on call in emerge told her if she hadn’t come to the hospital when she did, she could have died. After blood transfusions and the inevitable surgery, she was desperate to get home to her daughter. Through everything she stayed strong and focused on needing to be well for Aubrey. A picture Tom sent her while in the hospital kept her going, it was her beautiful baby girl, the baby who needed her home.
When she left the hospital, her parents, Tom and everyone else felt so relieved that she was going to be ok. They seemed to forget that Hilary came home but someone else did not. She had left her baby and a piece of her behind. 121 wasn’t inside anymore (This is the name she gave her baby to represent the due date). She felt deep emptiness without anyone to talk to who had been through this (at this point in her life).
When returning to work after having Aubrey and losing a child she felt somewhat disengaged, knowing she was hoping to get pregnant again and thinking when she had two children that she might want to be a stay at home mom was distracting. Eventually she settled back into her job and created a new routine of being a mother and working.
Not long after returning to work, she lost another child. While working on store displays one day, she started bleeding. Her industry is predominantly male and having an “off” day in sales is not possible. This made it very difficult for her to share her situation with her colleagues and clients. She kept working and felt she couldn’t tell her boss. “I was literally losing a child, but I didn’t know what to do so I kept working”. Eventually she told him she had a medical issue and went home but due to the unspoken stigma toward miscarriage she was uncomfortable discussing the details with her male boss.
After each miscarriage she mourned her babies for months and it was difficult to get her husband or others to completely understand how she was feeling. It isn’t easy to talk about. Tom was supportive but no one could fully comprehend the pain and loss she felt. He saw the miscarriages as an evolution toward having their second daughter Adelyn. Hilary saw each pregnancy as an individual child and feels that she lost two of her babies. Her fourth pregnancy brought the sassy and sweet silver lining to this story. Adelyn Isabelle was meant to be her baby girl.
When pregnant with Addie she was devastated because the excitement of pregnancy had been diminished. She knew miscarriage was a very real option and might happen again. Her doctor put her on progesterone after the second miscarriage and this helped keep her healthy for her pregnancy with Adelyn. Once she reached twenty weeks, she started to feel attached and excited to meet her little girl.
Her second maternity leave was a different experience all together. Three of her closest friends had babies within months of her and they shared everything with each other. (I happen to be one of these lucky mothers who she shared mat leave with). With her second child came confidence and a more relaxed approach. Even with a colicky baby!
“Being back at work with two kids is insane. Keeping things straight when it comes to “wear blue” day at school or her turn for making snack at preschool can drive you crazy. Why can’t the schools give parents a break with these damn theme days. Sparkle day, fruit day, book day, who gives a %&#$ day! They do have a snack on hand for parents who forget but really, who wants to get that disapproving look from a teacher when you are the one who forgot!”
Then there is the fact that you use up every moment of sick leave for your kids and so you must work through strep throat when you are the one who is sick. It’s exhausting and mind boggling the amount of organization it takes to be a parent; or let’s face it, the organization and remembering usually falls on mom.
“We only have so many units of energy in a day, there isn’t much left for ourselves.” But Hilary manages to find time. Her and Tom are always brainstorming new business ideas and working toward being entrepreneurs. They take courses together and learn from each new venture they try. They find it nice to be working toward something. Her new years resolution for 2019 is do try new things and she is off to a good start by sharing this story!
Her words of wisdom. Every stage of motherhood is hard but also fulfilling. Keep going!
Story written by Jenn DiRaddo Jefferson of Career Pump
Stay tuned for our next Career Pump interview with a photographer who recently launched a new arm of her business that is helping entrepreneurs find their brand image. She is one inspirational lady who so happens to also be a mother.
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