Today is today

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. This story clearly illustrates; the love of a present parent runs true and deep, blood or no blood.

Catherine is the mother of three girls. Kristen and Ashley who are teenage twins. Her oldest daughter Ainsley is a grown woman, now in her thirties who is not Catherine’s biological child but in every sense of the word her daughter.

Ainsley was two years old when Catherine came into her life; marrying Ainsley’s father.  Jake and Catherine made Ainsley their primary goal seeing her for weekends and taking her on holidays; doing everything they could do to have a strong presence in her life. They shared custody with Ainsley’s biological mother who she lived with. Courts often side with the mother when allocating time with a child. As Ainsley came closer to starting high school she moved in with her dad and Catherine full time. She was and is the center of their world.  

Motherhood came easily for Catherine as she had always been around children. As time went on her and Jake decided they wanted to have more kids. Unfortunately, after years of trying, they were unable to conceive so they investigated options.

When first thinking of adoption they were discouraged by the adoption agency as they were told it was quite difficult to get the opportunity. Eventually, they decided to speak to someone else and this time they were offered hope that quickly turned into reality. So quick, they didn’t have time to discuss it with Ainsley until it was time for the interview to see if their family would be a good fit. This was difficult because they did not want Ainsley to feel she wasn’t enough. She was a teenager and didn’t fully understand the process or take it seriously. Thankfully the adoption agency understood this about teens, and they passed as a suitable family to take in children.  It is such a difficult path to have a successful adoption, yet unsuitable people are becoming parents every day the natural way.  

Ainsley was 14 years old when Catherine and Jake adopted the twins and she wasn’t thrilled with the idea. The thought of more siblings coming along was a difficult concept, let alone babies. She has two half-brothers on her mother’s side. When the girls were young, she wasn’t very interested in them, but as they grew, she became more comfortable with it. Catherine can only think of one time where Ainsley and her cousin babysat together but that was completely ok with her not offering more. She didn’t have more kids for Ainsley to babysit or raise them. She wanted her to have a regular teenage experience.

Because Ashley and Kristen were adopted, Catherine decided to get them support in every way she could. This started right from the time they became her babies. She didn’t know what kind of background they were coming from and wanted them to have the best possible start. They were in occupational, physical and speech therapy and it was through this early intervention that they discovered both girls had autism. Kids Ability was an organization that was positive for their family. At first in pictures, she noticed the twins would both look at the camera and then over time they stopped looking. They had trouble keeping down food, didn’t feel pain and had strep throat a lot in their first year of life. By three years old they were diagnosed. From then on Catherine continued doing everything in her power to set them up for success. Just as she always had with her first daughter Ainsley.

 Catherine had the girls on a tight schedule to assist them with their development and as children she brought them to playgroups to work on their social interactions and exposure. When they started school, she made sure they were in the classroom right away. Catherine has advocated for her children with the school system for many years. She fought each year for Ainsley to be in the same school as her cousins, when she came to live with Jake and her, so that she would have a support system. Once Kristen and Ashley began school the fight continued. Needing to work closely with teachers and school administrators to keep their education experience at a high level, giving them the greatest opportunity for success. There have been triumphs and difficulties along the way, but her children all make her laugh even in the difficult times. Laughter is the reward.

“Autism is a way of life. I take it one day at a time. Today is today. I am easy going about it.”

For support and assistance with the girl’s development, Catherine brought in co-op students from University of Guelph who needed to complete a practicum part of their program.  Many of those students are still good friends of Catherine, Ashley and Kristen and have had a positive impact on their lives. Their cousin Morgan also had a huge involvement with the girls and works with Catherine to challenge them in the ways they need. It is important to be aware of their unique needs but to also push them in ways that will help them grow and gain more independence.

“We all have different ways of learning.” Catherine discovered this through her time as a mother and is figuring out the steps to learning is what many of us take for granted. She doesn’t like the word disability; we all have a unique way of comprehending and applying things and that is ok.

Although Catherine worked to get Ashley and Kristen into social situations; they have each other, so don’t often bother talking to other people. It is a blessing and a curse that they have each other. When they do interact with others, they tell it how it is, with no filter. This can be interesting in some social settings, especially if someone is a smoker, they won’t hold back on telling you that you stink and that it is bad for your health! They naturally point out error and find things that others would probably miss.

Health, diet and wellness have become the girl’s greatest area of interest and therefore their obsession. With this comes struggles around food and unfortunately eating disorders for both girls. Catherine battles the disorders often unsuccessfully, as you cannot force feed someone. Once, they are fixated on something it is almost impossible to shift that focus. With the accessibility of the internet, the girls have access to research (albeit not always accurately) and they tend to focus on the negative. They are against medication which can make it very difficult in times where they themselves need medical intervention.

Each day brings new challenge, but Catherine faces it head on and does what she needs to do that is best for all three of her daughters. She’s acutely aware that the girl’s passions could make or break them. Harnessing them for the good is the goal. Many of us wish we could be as determined and focused as they are.

Anxiety is something that developed in both Kristen and Ashley overtime. The oldest daughter Ainsley lives with anxiety, which is heightened by her high stress, high power job in the fashion industry. The twin’s anxiety is at a whole new level. Ainsley is aware of her anxiety, discusses it with Catherine and can make choices so she can manage it. This has helped Catherine to understand the anxiety the twins face; as they are not able to recognize or articulate it the same way. Kristen is more anxiety ridden, especially around performance at school, than Ashley, but Ashley feeds off her nervous energy.

Catherine is dedicated to helping families navigate the school system and get the best backing for their child. Whether they have autism or not. She works with many organizations supporting special education and special needs children that are associate with the Ministry of Education.

The safety of the girls has always been a concern. From Kristen running 4 km away from her elementary school to situations of others taking advantage of their vulnerability. They don’t think in a linear way; they don’t have common sense or street sense that would aid in protecting themselves. When trying to teach them these things it can be complicated as they can’t see big picture or navigate a grey area. It is a continuous quest for Catherine and Jake to keep the girls in secure situations, while also letting them exercise some independence. We all face this as parents, but when you have a child with autism this task becomes even more delicate.

Recently their safety was greatly at risk in a situation at school. One of the girls was sexually assaulted by a boy at her school and it was when the same boy started to pay attention to her sister that Ashley decided that it felt wrong and she needed to tell someone. It was all very confusing for her and he took advantage of her innocents and inability to clearly understand what was happening. It is hard to get all the details and unfortunately the way they found out was by her calling Child & Family Services to report the incident. It has been confusing and difficult for Ashley and infuriating for Catherine and Jake; making the threat of their daughters’ safety all too real.

With all the resources, support and opportunities Catherine has created for the girls they have a promising future. Kristen is interested in University and Ashley has great work ethic and attention to detail so will be a great employee.  It may be complicated to find the right company that will give them a chance to show what they are capable of. They have the potential to make great impact in the right role just like their older sister has in her career. Some companies are starting to realize the benefits to considering people with autism. There are organizations such as Specialisterne Canada, which help businesses and employers understand, value and integrate the unique perspective and capabilities of people on the autism spectrum or those who face similar barriers to employment. Each person can have something to contribute. Many people with autism are fully capable of being contributing members of our society and in a lot of cases could be the hardest and most focuses workers in an organization.

As the girls are getting older Catherine has decided to take on a new job working as an Admin Assistant at a local large beverage company. She enjoys working and exercising her strong work ethic but needs something flexible; her daughters are top priority and always will be. She doesn’t get a lot of time to herself but enjoys time with her eldest daughter Ainsley when she visits and getting into projects around the house. Catherine and Jake have a great relationship and have worked to keep it that way through the stressful times. The divorce rate for families who have children with autism is quite high. Fortunately, they take things day by day while preserving their marriage.  The ability to laugh and take things as they come is a huge reason for their success.

In my perspective Catherine is a pillar of strength and loyalty when it comes to her immediate and extended family. Her perseverance is admirable, and we can all learn a lot from her. I am grateful to her for sharing a glimpse of her family’s daily life with us and hope she continues to laugh her way through daily life with her daughters and husband.

I would like to end with this quote as it reminded me of the way Catherine views her experience with motherhood. “I may not have carried you for 9 months, but I will spend the rest of my life loving you, protecting you and doing whatever I need to do to make you happy.”

This story was written by Jenn DiRaddo Jefferson of Career Pump. The names of the people in this story were changed to protect their identities. Please follow @careerpump on Instagram or Facebook for more impactful content.