Rachel loves learning and believes you can’t sell something if you don’t believe in it. I completely agree. Living life authentically starts with finding alignment in your career and lifestyle choices. Sometimes it takes experience and time to get there, but it is important to set that intention in order to stay true to ourselves; especially through motherhood.
Rachel is a mom of two boys, Ryan and Jacob. When Ryan was nine months and Jack just over two, their family left Guelph and moved to Michigan. This was the second time they planned to move to the US but this time it actually happened. The first time; they were renting in Toronto and building a house in Dallas. Her husband Mike’s job fell through, so the move didn’t come to fruition. Michigan was there home for only 11 months but eventually they ended up back in Ontario and in Guelph. Mike was gone forty percent of the time going back and forth to Ottawa for his job; so, Rachel made the decision to give up her job as a phys ed teacher and stay home with the kids. She ended up having some regret around this as it was hard to get back into teaching after being off. Many women make this choice as it may be best for their family at the time, but it doesn’t come without some sacrifice and loss of self.
Through my career coaching I encourage women to find ways to keep their passions and interests alive while navigating motherhood. Even if you make the decision to stay home with your children; it is important to find pockets of time for yourself and stay connected to what ignites you. We all need space to remember who we were before we became a mother. It doesn’t mean we don’t absolutely love our children and being a parent. It just means we also love our individuality and need to stay connected to our true selves. Raising children can heighten who we really are if we take the time for introspection.
Rachel got pregnant easily after two and a half years of marriage. “Things in my life always happen naturally.” Both births were forceps deliveries and Ryan had an issue with projectile vomiting when he was born so had to have a surgery to fix a valve that was too small. She discovered something was off when they would burp him after a feed, and he would vomit across the room. She was persistent with doctors and they were referred to a pediatrician who was very supportive. Dr. Promnitz helped them with the recommendation of the surgery. It went well and because of Rachel’s advocation and the trust she had in Dr. Promitz; Ryan has been healthy ever since. He can’t eat a lot at a time, but he knows his limit and didn’t have any problems throughout his childhood or now into his adult life.
It was a surprise finding out she was pregnant when Jack was nine months old but we they were excited! Things were very hectic for about four years, but it was very worth it. Rachel took the advice of a friend and looked after the child who was crying the loudest first! Having two kids in diapers wasn’t fun but she knew they would finally be potty trained at some point. Having her boys so close together meant she could enrol them in the same activities most of the time. And sticking to no more than two activities at a time kept a good balance in their lives. They tried many activities over the years such as music, swimming, soccer, skating, baseball, football, rowing, rugby and skiing). When the were old enough, they attended day camps and then sleepover camps, which they loved. This also was a huge help to Dave and Rachel.
Rachel had the support of a group of women who she got together with regularly for a night out. Sometimes the kids would come but most of the time it provided a nice escape into the world of adults. It wasn’t easy for her to connect with others as she struggles with social anxiety which started when she was sixteen years old. In high school she had a difficult time as a cheerleader and when running for student council president her nerves would make her sweat and turn red. She managed to continue with these activities and win the title of school president despite the strong anxious feelings and physical manifestations it caused.
When Rachel had Ryan her anxiety really started to ramp up; so, she decided to finally get some serious help when the boys were two and three years old. Once the boys got a bit older, she started to hire babysitters (myself and my sister included) and was able to go to the gym, play baseball, curl and golf. This physical and social activity provided release and focus on herself. She sought out therapy and began taking time to rest for thirty minutes a day; whether that be a nap, reading, meditating or anything quiet. Going on medication, carving out quiet time and time with her husband really helped. Exercise and enough sleep have also always been important to her mental state. When she is tired, her anxiety increases and so she learned to be protective of her sleep and set boundaries. At times this means saying no to social invitations. It was a learning curve to understand that saying no is ok. Protecting your mental health is more important than being at every social event you are invited to. Rachel encourages new parents to go on date nights, get babysitters and carve out time for your partner and yourself. She is also a huge advocate of taking care of your mental health and seeking therapy and prioritizing the habits you need in order to cope.
When it comes to Rachel’s career it has not been a straight line. When her boys were three and four years old, she decided to get into decorating. This was possible because she could bring the kids. It started as volunteering and then she went on her own. Sometimes this can be the best way to try something and to build up experience, but it isn’t easy. Rachel then went on her own but realized quickly she wasn’t a businesswoman. She even tried real estate, but it was that experience that made her recognize this wasn’t the path for her.
Working in retail for awhile gave her some good discounts at Roots and Indigo but it became evident that working with kids was her calling. For a period, she was a supply teacher for Montessori of Wellington which was more in line with what she loves. After a twenty-one-year break, she got on the emergency supply list for some local schools before getting hired as an Occasional Teacher for the school board. Then she also got hired to do after school care supply work for a Montessori school. This is perfect for her current stage of life with two grown sons, one in University and one finished and in the working world. Teaching was a choice Rachel made in order to challenge her social anxiety and it has always been great because she isn’t as nervous with kids. They bring out the best in her.
Her husband Mike has always been in sales roles based in the US which means a lot of travel. This took its toll on their family while the boys were young. Mike being away a lot caused a strain in their marriage. They reached a breaking point and separated for three months. Luckily this wake-up call led them to make some changes and they were able to make things work. Allowing time for date nights, golfing together and Rachel occasionally joining on trips; has helped. Seeking therapy and working on better communication also improved their marriage. Mike still travels for work, but they have found a way to stay connected.
When the boys were teenagers their house was the house to hang out at. This allowed for Rachel to have a close relationship with her boys and know their friends. It really allowed her to really listen and develop a close bond with each of her sons. Ryan and Jacob are very close and best friends to this day despite their different interests and personalities. Jacob, being the older child, naturally fell into the protector role. Rachel and Mike taught their boys to be independent and fight their own battles. They let them walk to school and gave them other freedoms that built trust and confidence in them. I know I can learn a lot from their approach to parenting and hope to have a relationship like Rachel does with my boys when they get to Ryan and Jacob’s ages.
The advice Rachel would give to new parents, especially mothers, is to drop the guilt. She feels there is still not enough support for stay at home moms and that people are putting too much pressure on themselves. She suggests getting your kids to help with chores and tasks at home as soon as possible, find ways to keep pieces of yourself alive and develop a support network. Parenting will be a mess of silly string, stickers and paint but it will all be worth it.
Rachel is now having a déjà vu moment; bringing her back to the baby days, as she just got a new puppy and has been dealing with nightly wakeups, toys everywhere, teaching new skills and planning playdates. She loves having a dog for the companionship, getting outside and the routine it provides.
Rachel is still navigating her social anxiety disorder and always will, but she is able to cope much better now. At thirty-two, when she finally started to get a grip on it, she started going to therapy and using cognitive behavioural therapy to combat the anxiety she experiences. She feels there is still a stigma attached to anxiety disorders and hopes to help others who need it. Although I do not have social anxiety; I am no stranger to worry, nervousness, anxious anticipation and the inability to calm it down when I am tired or overwhelmed. Getting help and finding tools to use to help yourself come out of these feelings and emotions is essential to our mental wellness. I am grateful to Rachel for her openness about this fragile but important topic that needs more light shed on it for people to realize they are not alone.
This Story was written by Jenn DiRaddo Jefferson of Career PUMP. The names of the people in this story have been changed to protect their privacy.
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